BAM! And the days are gone.

Where’s it all going? March completely disappeared on me. Though I have to say, I’m liking April.

(By the way, in the UK, it’s “BANG! And the dirt is gone.” Bang? Really? Bam is so much cooler even if I do dislike those ads.)

February faded away after Thinking Day and the Christchurch earthquake. I wasn’t much good for anything and felt like there wasn’t any point in continuing, but I went back to work and tried not to think about much at all. March hit with a ferociousness that I don’t wish to meet again for a long time. The 11th was not a good day. It was the day I first saw Rhys’ name on the list of those who died in the earthquake of February 22nd. I felt numb when I saw it. I guess I’d known it would happen, but it didn’t seem real. The rest of the world is missing out on so much for not having Rhys here anymore. He had so much to offer. It’s simply not fair that he lost his life – that we all lost him in that earthquake. And all the others. So many dead. For what?

And then I read the news of the quake and tsunami in Japan. Thousands gone. Thousands. I stopped in the middle of a breath and it seemed like forever before I started again. I removed myself from the front reception desk where I was working and frantically rushed through a mental list – who do I know in Japan? Facebook quelled the fears I held for many friends, but Facebook doesn’t hold all the answers, and I shot out some emails. Within hours, I’d heard back from everybody I knew to be in Japan, and it was like the worry had been holding me up, because I suddenly felt like collapsing.

I know it’s bad, but I still can’t feel much for Japan. Intellectually, I recognise the horrors people are facing. I understand the fear and uncertainty, the need for assistance. I’ve donated money online and sent messages to my friends, but emotionally, I feel strangely empty when I think of the country and the people affected. In fact, since that day, I feel my emotions have been strangely flat.

The only thing to make me feel anything is the sun. The blossoms. The scent of a light, breezy evening. The sound of birds singing outside my window at stupid o’clock in the morning and the way it feels to step out in jandals, shorts and t-shirt. I feel almost guilty enjoying the weather so much when all this bad stuff is happening around the world, but in a way, I know the best thing I can do, for myself and for anyone, is to enjoy today and look forward to tomorrow.

The rest of March was hectic. Pax Lodge hosted the Young Women’s World Forum alongside the other World Centres: Our Chalet (Switzerland), Sangam (India) and Our Cabaña (Mexico). We had delegates from around the world arrive by the dozen and everyone was busybusybusy. I know that the Forum made a difference to some of the delegate’s lives, and their attendance will inspire them to make a positive difference in their communities. I think everyone at Pax Lodge just came away tired.

There has been time for recovery, though, and life now seems to be getting back to normal. Only better, for the simple fact of blue skies and warm weather.

I still feel strangely flat but I’m working on letting the sunshine in. I want to be me again, alive and well.

xEmma

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